Friendship is malleable-it’s susceptible to changes from outside forces in our life. When I was a young mother, a quality friendship was someone who could be flexible around my schedule, forgiving in last minute changes and willing to have half-conversations while watching kids. Now, I am transitioning into a new season of having my kids in school, working part-time and trying to build new relationships with school parents while maintaining my older friendships. Honestly, I am still figuring out how to define what I need in friendship at this moment. But there are three things that don’t change in friendship. These three behaviors in friendship are essential: emotional support, trust and consistency of the two.

Here’s why:

Behavior One: Emotional Support

When I say emotional support, I mean having the ability to listen, feel and understand what your friend is feeling. “I hear you; I understand you, I see you.” Lydia Denworth in her book, Friendship, found that emotional support was just as important as the actual physical support itself. Knowing that you could call a friend to bring over dinner if you were sick was just as supportive as her actual bringing over the food or not.  It is the knowledge that someone would be there when we need them.

Emotional support also may look like listening well and following up. I am thinking specifically in the context of Christian relationships, where we look to our sisters in Christ to help us walk in faith. We are looking for people who can listen, counsel, challenge and hold our hand as we continue to follow Jesus. Emotional support leads to trust.

Behavior Two: Trust

Trust is something that allows for a friendship to be authentic. It is one of the defining factors of a “best friend.” You can show them your dirty laundry and they won’t look away. You have worked through some difficult things and your friendship has persevered through them—you share things you may not feel comfortable sharing with just any person. But trust is also about the response. When we respond with compassion instead of judgment, or follow through on a promise we are creating trust.

Behavior Three: Being consistent with emotional support and trust

“I won’t withhold these two gifts from you when I don’t feel like it or I want to punish you.”

A bad friend is only dependable when it is convenient for them or trustworthy when it only serves them.

Instead, a good friend knows how to make clear boundaries and then do their best to be consistent with how they are demonstrating care and respect for their friend. An unhealthy friendship is one where the other friend feels like they aren’t sure what type of person they are going to receive today. It puts them on edge–an anxiety that steals the life-giving gift of friendship.

How are you showing up in your friendships? What are you able to give and how could you communicate to your friends what you are unable to give in this season? Have a conversation with your friends about how they define emotional support and trust. Then practice meeting them there.